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He Took Away Six Years of Memories” | Keturah Hamilton Opens Up About her Break-up with Ex-Fiance Nollywood Star Jim Iyke

EX-FIANCEE

Keturah Hamilton

KETURAH HAMILTON DECLARES...PLUS, JIM’S NEWAFFAIRWITH NADIA BUARI
 

By Ekerete Udoh

She sounded absolutely distraught, and utterly disconsolate. Her usual exuberance, the bonhomie which she wears like a badge of honor was missing both in her voice and in her demeanor. She was inconsolable, pained and emotionally devastated. She had every reason to feel that way. For over six years, she had given her all to a romance that had been celebrated, touted and written about as one that was made in heaven. For six years, they had projected the image of a blissfully happy couple that could do no wrong.
Her boyfriend of six years – the one that is famously referred to as the ‘Nollywood bad boy’ – Jim Iyke, has finally acted out his moniker and it is not pretty at all.

“These days, I ask God: Why has thou forsaken me? How can a man with whom we had gone through the highs and the lows – a man who had professed so much undying love for me over the past six years just walk away like that? I don’t know what happened and I wish I could put a finger on it.” Keturah had told me, sounding sad and exasperated.

Their romance was strong, and Jim had spoken severally of plans to walk down the aisle with her. He had told me a number of times that in Keturah, he had found “a perfect mate – someone who was “sexy, intellectually curious, exotic and edgy.” Keturah was known all over the Nollywood firmament as Jim Iyke’s main girlfriend – a wife

in waiting. They had traveled the world together, and she had stood by him through most of the scandals that has continued to dog his professional and private life. Not
even when another woman claimed to have dated Jim Iyke and later accused him of battering her and a business deal gone awry which was amplified in the media did she
wince or threaten to end the affair.

Put simply, Keturah Hamilton – the Jamaican born actress, model and business woman was the partner tailor-made for Jim Iyke. She had accepted and tolerated all of his foibles, issues and challenges and was
determined to stick with him through thick and thin. And then...Just when we thought the wedding invitations will soon be mailed out; just when we thought the loving duo had reached a point of no return in their relationship, the news came out that the story book romance had ruptured, that the center of the relationship could no longer hold. Jim Iyke had ‘bailed’ out of the affair and appeared to have acted out some of the elements in their joint reality show “Jim Iyke Unscripted”. He was said to have ended their six year old affair in a most emotionally callous way. He simply walked away “without even a phone call” as a tearful Keturah had told me. “He took away six years of memories, of support of love and all that I did for him – just like that. How mean and callous can one get?”

Depressed and emotionally forlorn, Keturah had told me how Jim used and dumped her “Jim was supposed to come to New York and stay for six months, during which time, he would go to an acting school

Jim Iyke with Nadia Buari

here in New York and then we would move to Los Angeles and get married and pursue our acting dreams. I was looking forward to that with eagerness and then he just walked away” she began to sob.

Asked what could have been the reason for such a change of heart, Keturah said “we had problems like normal lovers do, but we always resolved them amicably. I know there was something Jim asked me to do, which I didn’t want to do right away, but that should not have made him to do what he did.” Pressed to reveal what it was that Jim wanted him to do, she said it was personal.

Keturah said she feels used and dumped “I played along in the reality show as if I truly was a jealous and crazy lover. It was an act, but now I feel as if Jim set me up. He is a wicked man. I stood by him through all his troubles and tribulations. I helped bring him to the limelight when the light of his career was dimming. He is an ingrate and I leave him to God.”

One area that seems to have pained Keturah more appears to be the rumor making the rounds that Jim left her for the Ghanaian actress Nadia Buari. “That is the rumor I have heard and I know it is not just
a rumor. They have been hooking up in Ghana. They were together at Tuface’s wedding and appear to be everywhere together. I just can’t believe Jim would be this ungrateful – after all I have done for
him. I have not been able to accept this and I am truly in a state of shock. If Jim could treat me the way he did, after six years of being there for him, supporting him, encouraging him in all that he did, then I
wish Nadia the best of luck.”

Jim according to sources is living in Nadia’s house in Ghana and is constantly seen driving her car on the streets of Accrathe Ghanaian capital. He is said to have told friends he and Nadia are mere friends, but
most people find that difficult to believe.

Meanwhile, Keturah appears to have moved on with her life. “I am a strong woman and I am moving ahead with my life. God cannot give you that which He will not provide you the platform to stand and deal
with. I wish the best in his life.”

To buttress her newly single status, Keturah was seen recently having fun and laughing the night away at 9ja Restaurant in Brooklyn during a surprise party that was thrown for top actress – Stella Damasus to
mark her birthday. Stella is currently vacationing in New York with her kids.

Efforts to reach Jim Iyke for his own side of the story was abortive as his telephone lines were all switched off. But we will strive to get his own side of the story next edition. Watch out!

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Nigerian Design label Needle Point presents its “Amina” Collection Lookbook

School mourns twins killed in crash

Twin sisters Khadijah and Khertima Taylor were among three persons killed in a car crash on Sunday.
The 18-year-old sisters and four friends were returning home from a nightclub in San Fernando.
Police said the driver, Anthony Balkissoon, was driving his white Mazda 3 car along the San Fernando bypass road when he lost control at around 4a.m.
The car flipped several times and landed between the pillars of a concrete bridge near the Cross Crossing interchange.
The twins, of Jack Street, Marabella, died at the scene.
Kafiya Gill, 19, died at the San Fernando General Hospital. The driver, 20-year-old Balkissoon, and two others are listed in critical condition.
The Taylors were Sixth Form pupils at the St Joseph Convent, San Fernando. Gill, of Pleasantville, was University of the West Indies graduate. Relatives said she began working at the South West Regional Health Authority a month ago.
Balkissoon lives at Concord Road, located within Petrotrin's refinery compound at Pointe-a-Pierre.
Police are investigating whether speed and alcohol contributed to the crash.

http://amazingstoriesaroundtheworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/twin-sisters-khadijah-and-khertima.html

Anyone can be a mother, but it takes a real women to be a mom

A good mother has an impact on the mind of her children. She acts as strong pillar for her children against all the odds of the life. She loves his children but don’t let her children on bad deeds. She let his children to perform mistakes and learn from them. She is open-minded and she knows that the taste and mind of children change with time. She knows that the kids are not exactly like her so she respects their opinions and care for them. She acts as leader for her children.

 

Anyone can be a mother, but it takes a real women to be a mom

19 Year Old Nigerian Woman married to British Man in a coma after Attempted Suicide because of Deportation Order

A 19 Year old Nigerian woman named May Brown is currently in a coma after attempting suicide. May who is a student of public affairs at Weymouth College moved to the UK three years ago.

She met her husband Michael Brown a year ago and they got married in December 2012. She applied for asylum in the UK. However, her request was denied. According to the UK Daily Mail – “May fled to Britain from her home country three years ago after witnessing her father’s murder and being subjected to sexual abuse.”

Her husband, “Mr Brown, 34, said UK Border Agency officials believe their marriage to be a ‘sham’ with no ‘emotional attachment’.”

While May was due to be deported tomorrow, her husband and mother in-law insist that their marriage is real.

She was so distressed at the prospect of returning to her home country she took an overdose of medication.

In her suicide note, May wrote:

‘I am deeply sorry that I had to go this way, without even saying goodbye.
‘The UK immigration has finally driven me insane. They’ve pushed me too far this time and I can’t take the pain any more.
‘I don’t want a life or a future you won’t be part of. I love you so much, more than life itself and can’t endure the agony of not being with you.
‘Please forgive me for ending it this way. It’s better to die with my dignity than be subjected to torture and undignified death back in Nigeria.’

She said: ‘If they send me back to Nigeria they are signing my death warrant, they will cut my life short because I will be killed.
‘I have found peace with Michael, he gave me a reason to live. I have got a family here and we don’t claim any benefits.
‘Michael works and I am studying to become a barrister, we have not harmed anybody.’

In the report on May’s  ordeal via the Daily Mail, her mother in-law outlined reasons why May did not want to return to Nigeria.

Helen-Claire Brown, Ms Brown’s mother-in-law, said the 19-year-old is part of the family and blasted border officials as ‘heartless’

You can read more via the Daily Mail.

Such a sad case. We hope she regains consciousness and the UK Home Office reconsiders her case.

Stunning in All Black! Nollywood Star Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde at the Time 100 Gala in New York

 Omotola looked amazing as she stepped out at the Time 100 Gala in New York.
Omotola selected a custom-made black dress with sequin and mesh

The Power of Self-Compassion

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.

Are you your own worst critic?

It’s common to beat ourselves up for faults big and small. But according to psychologist Kristin Neff, that self-criticism comes at a price: It makes us anxious, dissatisfied with our life, and even depressed.

Kristin Neff

For the last decade, Neff has been a pioneer in the study of “self-compassion,” the revolutionary idea that you can actually be kind to yourself, accept your own faults—and enjoy deep emotional benefits as a result. Last year, she distilled the results of her research in the popular book Self-Compassion. 

Neff, an associate professor in human development and culture at the University of Texas, Austin, will present highlights from her work at a Greater Good Science Center seminar at UC Berkeley next Friday, March 23, called “Self-Compassion and Emotional Resilience”—part of our “Science of a Meaningful Life” seminar series. The event will be webcast live, so anyone around the world can participate.

As part of the “Greater Good Podcast” series, she recently spoke with Greater Good Editor-in-Chief Jason Marsh about how self-compassion differs from self-esteem, why self-compassion can be hard for Americans, and the transformative effect it had on her own life.

Below we present a condensed version of the discussion.

Quest: So please start by telling us: What is self-compassion?

Ans: The quick version is that it’s treating yourself with the same type of kind, caring support and understanding that you would show to anyone you cared about. In fact, most of us make incredibly harsh, cruel self-judgments that we would never make about a total stranger, let alone someone we cared about.

Quest: In your work you’ve identified three core components of self-compassion. Could you please tell us what they are?

ANS: Right, the first one is self-kindness, as opposed to self-judgment. A lot of times when we suffer, we just take a very cold attitude toward ourselves. So self-compassion involves being warm and supportive—actively soothing ourselves—as opposed to being cold and judging ourselves.

The second part is remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience—that you’re not alone in your suffering. Often, when something goes wrong, we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see—we feel very isolated in that moment, as if everyone else has these perfect lives and it’s just us who’s flawed and defective. When we remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, you can actually feel more connected to people in those moments.

The third component is mindfulness. If you aren’t mindfully aware that you’re suffering, if you’re just repressing your pain or ignoring it or getting lost in problem solving, you can’t give yourself compassion. You have to say, “Wait a second. This hurts. This is really hard. This is a moment where I need compassion.” If you don’t want to go there, if it’s too painful or you’re just too busy to go there, you can’t be compassionate.

QUEST: When I hear you describe it like that, it seems so obvious that this is something we should all try to practice. Yet the truth of the matter, which you explain in your book, is that a lot of us, most of us perhaps, are really bad at practicing self-compassion. Why do you think that is? And why is that such a bad thing?

ANS: It’s very interesting because in our culture, we value compassion for others. We see clearly that it’s good to be a supportive friend and be kind to others, to help those in need.

We treat ourselves very differently than we treat other people. And I think there are several reasons why.

One of the big reasons is that people feel that they need to be self-critical in order to motivate themselves. We think we need to beat ourselves up if we make mistakes so that we won’t do it again. It’s a convoluted form of self-care: I criticize myself because I don’t want to keep engaging in this behavior that’s problematic.

But that’s completely counterproductive. Self-criticism is very strongly linked to depression. And depression is antithetical to motivation: You’re unable to be motivated to change if you’re depressed. It causes us to lose faith in ourselves, and that’s going to make us less likely to try to change and conditions us for failure. If every time you fail or make a mistake you beat yourself up, you’re going to very quickly try to avoid failure at all costs. It’s a natural survival instinct. Which means you may not take risks—maybe you take the course that’s an easy A [instead of a more challenging one].

Maybe the biggest problem with using self-criticism as a motivator is that if it’s really painful to be honest with yourself about your weaknesses—because you know you’re going to tear yourself to shreds with self-criticism—your subconscious pulls every trick in the book to not have to own up to your weaknesses.

The easiest trick is to blame someone else. Think about fights you have with your significant other—“You did it!” “No, you did it!” Each one’s trying to defend their ego, blaming the other person. But when you have self-compassion, it actually gives you the courage and the emotional safety you need to say, “Mea culpa—I did do that, I was out of line.” And that clarity actually gives you not only the wisdom to see what needs changing but the emotional strength and courage to go ahead and change it.

QUEST: So what what’s the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion?

ANS: Self-compassion and self-esteem both involve positive emotions toward the self. But self-esteem is about judging yourself positively: I am good. Or, unfortunately, if you can’t keep up that self-definition: I am bad.

Self-compassion does not involve judgment or evaluation. It’s not about, “What type of person am I?” It’s just about: I’m suffering—can I respond to my suffering with kindness, understanding, caring, and concern?

Self-esteem is present when we succeed. Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly when we fail.

Self-esteem is all about being special and above average. You subtly try to position yourself above other people so you can maintain your self-esteem. But self-compassion is about shared humanity—it’s all about being average. It’s about being a human: We have strengths and beautiful qualities, and we have weaknesses; we succeed and we fail and it’s all part of this shared human condition.

QUEST: I want to talk a little bit about your personal experience with self-compassion, how you really came to embrace it both personally and scientifically. How did you personally come to believe in the importance of self-compassion?

ANS: I had a hippie, New-Agey childhood. But when I got to Berkeley for grad school, I decided I had to reject all that. And then what happened was—if you read my book, I tell my dirty laundry—but basically I was going through a very messy divorce, and I was stressed about finishing my dissertation and finding a job. There was a lot going on in my life. And I realized that when I just went for the intellect and tried to reject all my spirituality, I was shutting myself down. So I decided to give Buddhism a try.

I started meditating. And the lady teaching the meditation class talked a lot about self-compassion, and I just thought, “Oh my god, not only is this what I need, but this makes so much sense. Why has no one ever just said before, ‘You really should be kind to yourself, and it’ll actually be really healthy if you are?’” It immediately changed my life, so much so that when I got remarried shortly thereafter, we ended our marriage vows with the vow to help each other be more self-compassionate. We were both so moved by the concept.

After doing my post-doc and getting the job at UT-Austin, it was kind of scary because no one knew how to even define self-compassion, let alone conduct research on it in academia, although a lot of people had written about it in other circles. But I just knew that this was so important, I wanted it to be my life’s work. I started doing research on it, and I continued to practice it—going on retreats, practicing in my daily life, etc. But when it really saved me was when my son was diagnosed with autism in 2004.

I can’t even imagine how I would have coped if I didn’t have my self-compassion practice. I was able to fully accept my grief, not feel guilty for grieving, which a lot of autism parents do: “How can I be grieving for my child who I love so much?” I was able to accept all my complex, intense emotions, to really soothe and comfort myself for what I was going through.

With autism, you are powerless. When my son used to have tantrums in public, there was nothing I could do.  I was completely powerless. I could try to keep him safe and that’s about it.  So self-compassion allowed me to accept that, and open my heart to it—he’d be throwing a tantrum, and I would just be saying, “Let me be kind to myself right now, let me be kind to myself, let me…” I would actually focus on myself rather than him, after making sure he was safe. I couldn’t help him, but I could help myself in that moment.

Kristin Neff's book, Self-Compassion(William Morrow, 2011).

Self-compassion gave me the emotional stability I needed to help him, and then ultimately to embrace him, with a much more open heart and open mind than I would have been able to—to not try to fix him or control him but to celebrate who I was and kind of follow his lead. I won’t go into it here, but my husband wrote a book, and we made a documentary, called The Horse Boy, which is really about what happens if you open your heart and your mind to a child with autism or special needs.

  QUESTSo it sounds like self-compassion was a revelation for you in your personal life and your family life. But why study it? Why would it necessarily follow that you should study it scientifically, especially given that there was a chance you could find no measurable benefits?

ANS: Well, to be totally honest, I was convinced of the benefits and felt that what I wanted to do was demonstrate empirically that there were benefits. I don’t know what I would’ve done if there were no benefits. I probably would’ve still practiced self-compassion because it worked for me, but I would’ve been a bit flabbergasted if the data didn’t come out. Although I must admit, I was surprised by how strongly the links were between self-compassion and well-being—they’re really strong, robust associations. I thought, “Wow, we’re onto something here.”

QUEST: Looking back over the last decade or so of research, what are the findings that you think really attest to the benefits of self-compassion?

ANS: Well, there’s the data supporting the fact that self-compassion has the same mental health benefits as self-esteem: less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction. But self-compassion offers the benefits without the drawbacks of self-esteem. Self-esteem is associated with narcissism; self-compassion isn’t. It’s self-compassion, not self-esteem, that predicts stability of self-worth—a type of self-worth that isn’t contingent on outcomes—as well as less social comparison, less reactive anger.

Now a lot of research is coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for intrinsic reasons, they can stick to their diets, they go to the doctor more often, they practice safer sex. All this research is coming out showing that self-compassion is not just a good idea, and it doesn’t just make you feel good, it makes you act in healthier ways.

Also, people who are self-compassionate are kinder, more giving, and supportive to their relationship partners.

QUEST: Those research results sound encouraging, but could they just reflect that people who are self-compassionate also have these other traits and practice these other behaviors? Or is there research suggesting that self-compassion can actually be taught, and that by learning self-compassion, those other benefits will follow?

ANS: Yeah, the research is already there, and it’s going to continue. There’s a lot of research on MBSR—Jon Kabat-Zinns’ Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program—and all the benefits that accrue from that. Well, it turns out that self-compassion increases through participation in the course; in fact, it may be that self-compassion is perhaps even the most powerful outcome of MBSR training that enhances well-being.

Some of the studies I’m talking about are based on short-term interventions, training people over four weeks. But my colleague Chris Germer and I have developed an eight-week program, very similar in structure to mindfulness-based stress reduction, where two hours a week for eight weeks, we talk about self-compassion, we teach exercises, we do self-compassion meditations, interpersonal exercises. I’ll have the data very soon to see if it does increase well-being. We’ve done pilot testing without a control group and the results were really good.

I could see this going into the schools. Already, people are starting to talk about teaching compassion in the schools, so I’d like to add this piece of having compassion for yourself as well.

QUEST: That brings up a point you mentioned earlier. When you talk about teaching self-compassion in schools, I think that might raise some red flags in some people’s minds.  I’m thinking of the concern I’ve heard before: Is self-compassion going to make people complacent and unmotivated to improve themselves and accomplish more?

ANS: Yeah, that is a very common concern. It’s actually, I think, the number one block to self-compassion: the fear that if I’m too kind to myself, I’ll be complacent.

The research doesn’t show that.  The research really supports that people who are self-compassionate, their standards are just as high for themselves, but they don’t get as upset when they fail to meet their goals—they cope with it more productively. And as a result, when self-compassionate people don’t reach a goal, they’re much more likely to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and re-engage in a new goal.

Self-compassion is associated with what’s called “learning goals” rather than “performance goals.” So people who are self-compassionate, they want to learn and grow for its own sake, not because they want to impress other people. There is a huge body of research showing that if your goal is to learn as opposed to just impress others, that’s a much more sustainable way of learning and growing.

QUEST: So if you could engineer our society in a way that fosters more self-compassion, how would you do that?

ANS: I think our obsession with self-esteem and competition does mean that we’d have to engineer things differently here. Is that what we want to be promoting in the schools?  Is that what parents want to be promoting?

We don’t want kids to hate themselves, we want them to feel worthy, but is life all about being better than others?  Is it all about being special and above average? Or is about being a human being as happy and healthy as you possibly can be, about reaching your own potential? And I think if we made that type of cultural shift, at the level of parenting and education, I think we’d have a real chance of shifting things at the larger macro level.

Samsung unveils Galaxy Camera with Android 4.1

If you are already in line with the future of digital photography, then we know you would love the bold introduction by Samsung with the Galaxy Camera – Camera Reborn.

Let’s get down to the magic of the Samsung Galaxy Camera. This device gives you the magic of professional digital photography with the powerful intelligence of the Andriod 4.1 Jelly Bean OS. - put it in very simple English, it’s the Smartest Smart Camera ever!

The stunning photographic capabilities, range of exceptional& rich professional shooting modes, combined with cool editing features and various android apps from the Google Play Store & Samsung Mobile App Store, makes it a must have at those precious moments to capture in memory for a lifetime.

At Samsung, they tell you the Samsung Galaxy Camera is built to S.E.E.S - (Shoot. Enjoy. Edit. Share) like no other and we couldn’t agree more. Let’s take you through why!

For Shooting

●     Up close or far away. Bright lights or dim lights. Tricky Scenarios are no match for the Samsung Galaxy Camera.

●     Stop being jealous of the pros with their big cameras, and start taking great shots.

●     Save the digital zoom for editing afterwards. Samsung Galaxy Camera’s 21x Super Long Zoom is 100 percent optical.

●     Instead of playing it back in slow motion, record it that way in the first place with Slow Motion Video.

For Enjoying

●     Using the Samsung GALAXY Camera is incredibly intuitive and a lot of fun.

●     Take better pictures and have more fun with the power of Android 4.1 Jellybean.

●     Now you don’t have to wait until you get back home to properly review and edit your photos.

●     The timeless beauty of the GALAXY Camera’s minimal organic design helps you take even better pictures

●     Don’t be shy- tell it to zoom in or out, set the timer, and snap the photo when you’re ready.

 For Editing

●     Use the Best Face feature travel back in time after you’ve taken a picture to replace faces with the perfect moment.

●     Use the powerful editing features with just the tips of your fingers to turn photos and videos into masterpieces.

●     You can enjoy viewing your photos in a variety of ways, from a timeline to a unique magazine view.

●     Express yourself freely with a variety of artistic effects to creatively recompose beautiful images.

For Sharing

●     Instantly share pictures or transfer them using Wi-Fi or 3G Network back to home base for back-up.

●     Straight from the camera, you can connect, upload, share, and even post to your favorite social media.

●     Tell it where to aim and just take the shot. Galaxy Camera and the cloud will take it from there.

●     Lets you share your pictures with up to 5 other Wi-Fi direct devices within range.

We hope you get why we are so excited to introduce you to the Samsung Galaxy Camera, and its available today at any of our retail outlets in Lagos, Port Harcourt, Benin, Enugu & Abuja.

If you still aren’t a believer, visit http://samsungmobileng.com/galaxycameraand see the camera in action in the hands of our very own Chef Fregz, Shola Animashaun & Stacey Okpararavero so you go know say “ no be magic oh"

You can also order the Samsung Galaxy Camera online via the website above & get it delivered to your home or office address. We’d keep you posted on much more fun & exciting moments surrounding the Samsung Galaxy Camera.

Fashionista

Is It Time to Forgive?

Forgiveness holds the possibility for expanding our capacity to love. There is only one reason to forgive. If we want to be free, if we want to live as the full and unlimited expression of ourselves, if we want our hearts to open, then we are being invited to put an end to all stories that keep us closed and contracted.
Consider also these benefits of forgiveness: less stress, lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, improved sleep, greater psychological well being.

What exactly is forgiveness? When we are in the state of unforgiving, we are holding on to a grudge. A grudge is a story of hurt and resentment that we believe to be true and repeat over and over in our thoughts. It lodges in our body and mind like a freeloading visitor who won’t leave. It keeps our hearts clamped shut, depletes our energy, and hijacks our creativity. The story of the grudge involves blaming someone else for what happened, which turns us into a victim. And as a victim, we are powerless, bitter, and stuck. If you are clinging to an old painful story, check in right now to see if this is true in your own experience.

When we make the choice to forgive, we let go of the power the grudge has over us. We are released, liberated, and free to return to our natural state of open-heartedness and clarity.

Did you notice that I didn’t mention the other person who wronged you? Forgiveness is not about the other – it is an inner letting go that finally allows us to be at peace. It is an acceptance of what happened along with a choice to stop dragging the unhappy past into the present. It is the experience of moving through blockages that keep us from being alive right now. It is for you way more than anyone else.

Byron Katie says, “Things don’t happen to you; they happen for you.” When limiting stories are put to rest, we are able to see the lesson, the offering from them, that deeply enriches our life experience.

Let’s clear up two misconceptions about forgiveness.

 When you release your attention from your grievance story, you are not condoning the other’s behavior. No question – people do nasty things, and what happens in life is not always fair. Forgiving is for you, for your inner peace. You cannot control what someone did in the past, but you can examine what you are doing right now. If you persist in focusing on the terrible things someone did to you, even though the actual behavior stopped long ago, you are still hurting yourself in your mind. If you accept that what happened happened, no matter what your opinion about it, you are well on your way to freeing your heart.

+ You can be completely released without receiving an apology. An apology indicates that the other acknowledges and takes responsibility for his or her behavior. This may support your process, but it is not essential. The key to forgiveness is an inner letting go, which occurs only when your mind stops perpetuating a hurtful story. It is work you can do on your own. This is very good news, as it means you can forgive even if the other has died or is unable to converse with you about what happened.

Forgiveness is a process

 Forgiveness happens in its own time. It is never too early, or too late, to let go. When the time is right for you, adopt an attitude of tough love: be tender and compassionate, but don’t let yourself off the hook. Stay committed and on track, even if it’s challenging, until you feel at peace.

First, identify your experience of the grudge. What are your thoughts…feelings…physical sensations? What is the texture of your experience? Close your eyes and see. Grudges often make you feel flat, dense, dark, and heavy. You are likely to have been thinking about the situation in exactly the same way for a very long time. You know the story by heart. Crack open to the possibility of discovering something new about it that has the potential to release you from suffering.

 Experience the feelings directly. Without justifying them by repeating the story of what happened, simply welcome the sensations in love and acceptance. Let things be as they are, even if they are intense or fiery. Meeting the feelings directly will eventually help to soften them.

You might notice a part of you that shouts a resounding, “No!” to this process. Maybe you continue to blame someone, legitimize your right to feel the way you do, or avoid the whole thing altogether. These are all ways of keeping your grudge intact. Offer a loving, “Yes” to even these experiences by accepting the underlying pain that energizes them. Be so kind to these tender places in you.

Now consider the impact that holding on to this story has on you. How is it serving you? What aspects of your life have been affected? Imagine, just for a moment, that you were not putting your energy and attention into this story. How would you and your life be different? Realize that the past is over, but that you are keeping it alive in your mind and body. Who is most impacted by perpetuating this story?

  Acknowledge the core belief that keeps the story running – it shouldn’t have happened, it should have been different. Sustaining this belief abdicates your power to something you cannot control, which is what others think, say, or do. Give up blaming, and don’t wait for history to change or for the offender to apologize. Cease living in, “If only that hadn’t happened.” You are putting off your own life. Things happen as they happen – let go of expectations of others, for your own sake. ---
+ Bring your attention inside, and ask yourself what you need, then be creative so that your need is fulfilled. If you need to express yourself to someone, do so in a letter you will never mail. Or ask a trusted friend to sit with you, imagining he or she is the person you desire to speak to. You can even use an empty chair. Say what needs to be said, then put it to rest. If you feel you need love, treat yourself like royalty, then pass it on to someone who needs it more than you. Do whatever it takes so that you can let go of the ball and chain you are dragging around.

In the course of writing this article, I discussed it with two friends who spontaneously applied the suggestions to their own grievance stories. Once they saw how much they were resisting letting go of the story and how it kept them trapped in victimhood and powerlessness, they made the choice to give it up…right before my eyes! They did it, I’ve done it, and so can you. Release yourself, and experience freedom beyond measure!

What are you holding on to? What has your experience been with letting go? What challenges are you aware of?

AHSANTE WAZAZI NAWAPENDA SANA-LULU

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